


The Golem That She Sent for Josh

by DWEmma



Category: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV), Jewish Scripture & Legend
Genre: Collection: Purimgifts Day 1, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:23:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22944004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DWEmma/pseuds/DWEmma
Summary: It's a purimgifts crackfic where Rebecca summons a golem. I both apologize and you're welcome.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 11
Collections: Purimgifts 2020





	The Golem That She Sent for Josh

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gammarad](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gammarad/gifts).



Rebecca stood looking out the window of the office, looking slightly more dispassionately than one would expect, as the giant monster made of earth tramples cars as it made its way across the 10 during rush hour. She’s pretty covered in dirt, but seems unconcerned about that. 

“Huh,” she said to no one in particular. “I didn’t think that would actually work.” 

“Honey?” Paula joined Rebecca at the window, tentatively phrasing the endearment as almost but not quite a question. “What is that thing?”

“A golem. It’s a Jewish thing. I made it out of dirt and put the name of G-d on its forehead, and now it’s going to do my bidding.” Rebecca’s voice was flat, and it was hard for Paula to read her emotional state. 

“Might I ask what your bidding is?” Paula asked, trying not to make any sudden noises. “Because I’m pretty sure it’s killed at least 50 people so far. Was that your bidding, sweetie?” 

“No, I just asked it to go find Josh…” 

“And kill him?”

“No, Paula, I’m not a murderer. Not on purpose, at least. And it’s not really about Josh. This is just something I did, just to see if I could do it. And it turns out that I can, which frankly, I feel really good about. I can animate dirt into a golem, which is more than Audra Levine can say for herself. And she calls herself Jewish. Can’t even summon a golem.” 

They watch from a safe distance as the golem continues to trample the town, not intentionally killing anyone, but still crushing anything that is between it and its search for one Joshua Felix Chan. 

“What will it do to Josh when it finds him?” asked Paula, still using that scared voice.

“I don’t know, Paula, probably scoop him up in its giant earthen hand and bring him to me. It’s not like the golem and I had a detailed conversation. It can’t talk, Paula, it’s golem. I dug him with my bare hands out of The South Hills Country Club Golf Course (take that, men who play golf), then I slipped a piece of paper into its mouth with the true name of G-d, and it came to life. And after all that, I hadn’t really thought through what I wanted it to actually, do, but I had to ask it to do something, so I asked it to find Josh. And…I guess it’s finding Josh? I don’t know, I’m not a golem expert or anything.”

The golem stomps across a schoolyard, and the screams of children can be heard even through the corporate glass windows. 

“Paula?” Rebecca says, her voice a little higher than normal. 

“Uh huh?” said Paula, unable to look away from the scene before them. 

“I’m going to need to look up how to stop a golem before it accidentally kills Josh.” 

“That sounds like a good idea,” said Paula. “I’ll help.”


End file.
